


Mary Sues Ahoy!

by Yemi Hikari (Yemi_Hikari)



Series: Mary Sue in a Barrel [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Mary Sue, Mary Sue Parody, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-28
Updated: 2008-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:29:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24872323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yemi_Hikari/pseuds/Yemi%20Hikari
Summary: Also PotC crossover and Mary Sue Bashing fic. Meant to poke fun of the crossovers between LotR and PotC that do it because of a sertain reason only. Meant in good humor. Please enjoy.
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Original Female Character(s)
Series: Mary Sue in a Barrel [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799272
Collections: Focus on Female Characters





	1. Two Ships a Sailing

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer - I don't own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or Pirates of the Caribbean.

Jack Sparrow was quite happy to be sailing around the sea. The reason for that was he was a pirate. The only other place he would rather be would be hunting for buried treasure or drinking a nice pint of ale in a pub. That, or squirmishing with the navy and winning.

Today was a good day to be sailing. The wind was firm and blew at a rate that meant that they could get where they wanted to. Will Turner was standing in the crows nest, keeping an eye out for things askew.

"Ahoy, Captain Sparrow, there is a pink cloud approaching us." Will responded. Jack went and perched on the railing, holding onto a rope. Will was right; a pink cloud was approaching them.

Elizabeth then came out and saw that the pink cloud was coming. "It looks to be a cloud of Sues."

"You must be kidding," Will stated from above her. "Our Sues come in from the water, not the air."

"No, this is a Sue of a different kind. Woman's instinct!" Elizabeth picked up something to swat them away.

"Well, I think that is alright." Jack retorted. I love the attention of the Sues.

"Yes, well, it's a known fact that you're crazy." Elizabeth said in turn. The pink cloud revealed itself to be pink Faerie creatures with the faces of girls and nice shimmering wings. She began to hit them away from the mast. "They're after Will again Jack."

"Nuts, not fair." Jack shook his head. He then called up to Jack. "Ahoy Jack, they don't seem to be able to fly as high as the mast, so you stay there."

"Gladly. Seems to be the only place I can stay with these Sues. The ones we have seem to be afraid of heights, or more of they can only go so high with their fish attributes." Will had full annoyance in his voice.

"I think it's that the so called dears are afraid of rope burn!" Elizabeth formed him, hitting one of the Faeries so it went _bamph_ , and then disappeared. She glared at Sparrow who was just staring over the railing. "You oaf, come and help me."

Jack just smiled. "Females do the job best dearie."

**M**

Meanwhile, two friends themselves were sailing the sea. They were enjoying the nice cool breeze of the sea and the lack of war. These two friends were Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf. Legolas suddenly startled as he noticed a blue cloud appear to approach them from under water. Both backed off and looked at each other. "Sues!"

"After you matey. I am so glad it isn't me. Only a lunatic would want those things after him." Gimli watched as blue creatures with wavy tissue thin fins that comprised most of their body, the rest was the face of a girl with a dazed, excited look on her face. Legolas quickly climbed up part way on the mast, glaring at the things.

Gimli couldn't do anything to help. It was too bad that Arwen and Galadriel were not there to help. So he just stared dejectedly out into the water.

**M**

"Ahoy!" Jack suddenly yelled. "There is another ship out there."

"Maybe they can help me here!" Elizabeth snapped.

"I don't think so. See, they have our Sues over there and we have ours over here." Jack responded. He then saw Gimli. "Ahoy matey! Looks like you have a Sue problem too."

"You could say that. I am glad it is my friend and not me. But after they're gone, he'll be mad at me for saying that."

"Well, I wish it was me!" Jack spoke up. "What kind of pirate are you."

Gimli could only open his eyes wide and stare at Jack. He waved his hand at him. Jack waved enthusiastically back.


	2. The Curse of Draco Malfoy

Away from the two ships, laughter could be heard, maniacal laughter. On a wooden raft not far from the two ships a boy with blond hair was laughing his head off. Next to him was a jar. There was a label on the jar that said " _Jar of Sues: WARNING! Do not open for any reason!_ ". Unfortunately, the lid had been removed from the jar.

"Revenge on those two is mine. That filthy Mudblood and over grown house elf won't know what hit them!" Draco was rolling around.

"We, won't will we?" The so called over grown house elf was standing over him, a bow and arrow cocked at his head. The look on her face caused him to yelp. A hand reached a pushed the bow down.

"What do you think you were doing Malfoy… or I should say ferret." Hermione snapped. She held a wand in her hand.

"Hey, your not supposed to have a wand. There are restrictions on underage magic." Draco mumbled, knowing that he was against great odds.

"One, in Anwe, there is not as strict of regulations. Two, we aren't even in the HP fandom anymore." Hermione commented.

"HP fandom?" Draco was confused.

"HP is short for Harry Potter. As in the Harry Potter fandom." The Elf, or elfling in this case commented. "Even though I know nothing about it, I know that much!"

"What exactly is…" Draco was cut short by a wand being pointed at him.

"Why did you release the Sues?"

"Because, you released them in my manor!" Draco snapped at them.

"But we released a concentrated form of Sues. We didn't open a can of Sues like you did." Irumi retorted. She glanced up at one of the ships. "You are lucky I don't kill you for the trouble you are giving my kinsman right now."

"What?" Draco was still confused.

"Elves believe that all other Elves are kinsman. Of course, Irumi here is actually related to the one you besieged with Sues." Hermione quipped.

"Wouldn't that mean that she's a Sue herself?" Draco pointed out. "Shouldn't she belong in this jar?."

"Good grief. A Sue is a non believable fan fiction character." Irumi rolled her eyes.

"In the context of this, she is believable." Hermione quipped. Suddenly they heard screaming.

"Help me! Help me! I can't swim!" Both girls looked out to see Gigi splashing around.

"How did she get here?" Hermione could only shake her head.

"Don't ask me." Irumi said dryly. "I avoid her like a plaque at school."

"Should we save her?" Hermione quipped.

"I think Draco should, and then he can go with her and help that ship over there." Irumi stated, rowing the raft into view of the two ships. "We'll help my kinsman."

"Hello ladies!" Jack Sparrow called out to them.

Irumi groaned. "Which it the reason the one guy and the Sue writer is going over there. That, and I don't trust Gigi… I've made sure up until now she hasn't met you-know-who. But this… this one is beyond my fathoming."

"You mean the Dark Lord?" Draco was even more confused.

"No," Both girls snapped at him. They reached down and grabbed Gigi and pulled her from the water. Draco shook his head. It was going to be a long day. It was going to be a very long day.

"By the way, we have to now get the Sues out from other fandoms as well." Irumi piped up. "You are going to help us."

It was going to be a very long rest of his life.


	3. Safe at the Manor

Draco sighed as he walked into the manor. He was finally safe from everything. He was now regretting that he had released the Sues. There was no way that he would be able to live this down with the other Slytherins, if they found out. He was now having to follow the orders of an overgrown house elf and a Mudblood.

Draco had watched as Granger and Hikari had pulled that girl out of the water. When she had seen Draco, she had glomped him. That was what Hermione and Irumi called it. The girl, (he didn't care what her name was, he could care less), continued to hold onto him. He called her a Muggle freak, to which she commented she wasn't a Muggle, but the long lost child of Sirius Black.

Draco had to plead with Granger and Hikari to get her off, much to his dismay. Having to beg to a Mudblood and an overgrown house elf was beneath him. The only way that Gigi wouldn't have glomped anybody further was to tie her to the raft, to which she started crying, wanting to go home. Unfortunately for all three of them, she disappeared with their raft and they ended up in the water.

They were then pulled out by that funny pirate that had said hello to the girls. That was some payback to the girls, except that Hikari kicked him in the knee, to which the guy responded. "As if, you two are too young even for me. I was only being polite."

"Irumi is a tomboy." Granger responded to him, to which the pirate shuddered.

"I know of the type," he was still jumping up and down when a monkey came up and pointed to the Faerie Sues that had landed and were beginning to climb the ropes, only to slide back down. They went _poof_ from the rope burn. The pirate shook his head. "Happens all the time. I'd love it if they would come after me for once, but not that slobbering crazy girl that took your raft away. Even I have standards. Too young and to blubbery. Not pirate material."

"You're a pirate," Draco turned pale at this.

"At most times a very incopetant one," The female stated, swatting at the Faerie Sues. "A little help here."

The girls went to work with the jar that had also been fished out of the brink by the pirate and began to use the lid, which had a special capture feature on it. The female pirate or lady or whatever she was approved. "Nice thanks for your help."

"I like the monkey. Can we keep him?" Hikari asked as the monkey jumped onto her shoulder.

"He is cute," Granger spoke up, tickling it's chin.

"Girls." The pirate said shaking his head. "What do they see in such a flee bag?"

Draco was about to agree with the guy, except the monkey suddenly attacked the pirate. He was glad to go over and capture the Sues on the other ship. Granger and Hikari made him hold the jar, much to his dismay. The only reason he had done this was for revenge on them, and it backfired. He now had to spend time with two people he hated beyond everything. Hopefully the rest of the golden trio wouldn't find out.

Revenge was supposed to taste sweet or so his father told him. Right now it didn't seem like it really did. To him, it tasted bitter, perhaps bittersweet. He sank down to the ground, his thoughts not wanting to go anywhere. At least the Sues were out of the manor, the ones that those two stupid girls had let loose. Well, except the one that was pretending to be his mother. Draco groaned.

At least she was locked up. Mother would also deal with her when she got home. He went into the kitchen to see if he could get a snack. It was likely that the house elves were still hiding from the Sues, so he would have to get it himself. He opened the door and his eyes went wide.

His mother was sitting drinking tea with a little girl. "Who is that?"

"She's your little sister," Mrs. Malfoy retorted.

"I don't have a little sister." Draco snapped. "That isn't canon!"

"No, she was pretending to be me originally, but changed her mind." His mother spoke up.

"You don't mean she's the Sue that I locked up!" Draco turned pale.

"I read the forth Harry Potter book and found out that you had a mom, so I decided to make you a sister instead. My writing has much matured and having a little sister means you have someone at home to annoy you." The little girl spoke up.

"I always wanted a daughter. So…, I decided she can stay." His mother said. Draco suddenly fainted. His mother sighed. "As much as I love your brother, he's always had a yellow streak to him."


End file.
